Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Freedom Comes in Letting Go

This is one of my favorite lines from J.J. Heller’s new song Loved. She’s singing about releasing hurt and pain and embracing the reality that we’re extravagantly loved by God in Christ. Knowing God’s love is the only catalyst that can motivate us to truly let go of hurt and ironically it’s only as we surrender our hurts to him that we can fully experience the depth of his love for us. Yet some trauma penetrates so deeply into the recesses of our souls that it almost refuses to budge. Like a cancerous growth, it zaps more and more of our strength and energy and leaves us feeling less than whole.

I’ve experienced this kind of trauma as a child and left it buried for almost twelve years. In fact, I’d spent so much energy denying that it happened that the act of finally facing it down, giving the trauma a name and talking about it, was like having open heart surgery. I still remember the first time that I shared my story of being sexually abused with a counselor.  Fear and shame had worked for so long to keep me silent, but God’s love prevailed, giving me the desire to expose the darkness and let the secret out

The healing process was slow, but the more I looked at the truth in light of God’s love and acceptance, the more I was able to move forward in hope that I could be healed. Talking it out, praying and memorizing God’s promises all helped me to see and believe that it was not only over, but that God planned to use it for good if I’d trust him. Letting go of the pain after facing it was a process that involved turning over my abusers to the Lord’s judgment with confidence that they would be held accountable by him, even if no one on the earth besides me knew about what they did. Once I released them, I was finally free to heal.

I thought that living through something that horrible meant I wouldn’t have to experience any further trauma in life.  But I was wrong. I don’t know where I got this idea– it certainly wasn’t from the Bible where God shows mankind often suffering multiple traumatic events in the course of a  lifetime. On center stage, of course, is Jesus who was repeatedly rejected, chased down, finally captured, beaten and crucified. His resurrection is God’s guarantee that while trauma can momentarily defeat us, it ultimately won’t destroy us if we’ve found our hope in him.

Over the course of the past few years I’ve allowed new trauma to stir up fear and shame in my heart once again. And I’ve stuffed so much of it, that until recently I didn’t even know what was wrong except that I felt intense sorrow. Instead of expecting God to do something amazing, I've found myself expecting something terrible to happen, waiting for the bomb to drop any second. Yet, God is encouraging me that no matter how much trauma I’ve endured, he doesn’t want me to live in a state of fear and shame. He’s reminding me that he’s able to bind up my wounds and bring healing regardless of the depth of the scars. He’s the great physician who made it a point to find the most wounded people on earth and touch their lives with his power.

I look at the pain that has recently surfaced in my heart and wonder how it can be healed; he looks at it and knows that he can transform it into abundant blessings. Right now, I’m in the process of letting go of the hurt and asking him to reach down and, by the power of his Spirit, bind up these wounds and bring healing. I’ve seen him do it in remarkable ways before, and I’m confident that he’s going to do it again.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Ps 147:3