“Nancy, won’t you have some butter?” I looked up, surprised that Granny was interested in whether or not I was going to have butter and casually gave her one of my favorite responses, “No thank you.” I had already smothered two rolls in it and planned to have some more -- just not at the moment. Unmoved by my reply, she spoke a little louder in a more serious tone that told me a lesson was coming, “Well then, why don’t you pass it so that someone else might have some?” I finally got it! She wasn’t asking me if I enjoyed the butter or even if I wanted more. She was instructing me, in a way that only a seasoned Southerner could understand, to send it to her end of the table so she could have some.
Thanks to my genteel Granny, I was given some life-saving skills to survive in my Southern habitat. I started acquiring these necessary skills at an early age by instruction, observation, repetition and, of course, my Granny’s correction. Just before graduation, I received the official guide to keep me informed on everything from phone conversations to gift giving. It was Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, and it was my etiquette bible – one I couldn’t live without.
My childhood training not to offend began to pay off in college, where I was given even more tips from our housemother Mrs. B. Her arched brows and tilted head let us know that we were on the verge of being called out – and nobody, I mean nobody, wanted that! Thankfully by then I knew what to do when I got to the table, and I could scout out with ease the less informed – those with piled up bowls and condiments right in front of them while the rest of us sat with empty or half-filled plates. Not only that, I could peruse the most challenging dinner conversations with a gracious smile and lots of kindness. Life seemed more easily containable with manners as my guide for achieving the peace and acceptance I always dreamed of.
The problem began to emerge in my early 20’s when I started reading the Gospels and studying the life of Jesus. I began to notice two characteristics about His personality that seemed to be diametrically opposed to the world system. Worse yet, they broke the rules I’d learned most of my life and left me perplexed. While He was kind, gracious and always willing to show consideration for those who were in need, at the same time He seemed more concerned for truth and God’s honor than anything else – often saying hard words and doing things that made others uncomfortable and even angry.
As I followed Him on dusty trips from town to town, I saw Him eating with His hands and even allowing a woman to wipe perfume on His feet with her dirty hair. To top that off, He corrected the host family, instead of the woman, rather bluntly for not showing Him kindness. He didn’t just break my family’s table manners, He made comments in public that were inconceivable to my Southern mind. In Matthew 12:34, He called the religious leaders who rejected His Lordship a “brood of vipers” and “whitewashed tombs,” and in Matthew 23:24 He referred to them as “blind guides”.
He showed extraordinary kindness to the poor and sick and even welcomed them, regardless of their background or education, to be His followers. But to those who rejected His person and work, including His own family and disciples, Jesus gave stern rebukes (Matthew 12:47-50; 16:23). He preached with such great power and wisdom that the people were in awe (Lk 4:32). But their adulation didn’t keep Him from turning over the tables in the temple on one occasion and throwing out the ones who were doing business there instead of allowing the Gentiles to worship the Lord (Matthew 21:12-13).
I tried applying principles of contextualization, assuming His behavior must have been admissible in His culture – just not mine. However, as I continued reading through other books in the New Testament, I realized there was a common thread linking the messages of all the authors. Some came from uneducated backgrounds, while others were more cultured. Regardless of their family ties or social standing, as Christ followers they declared Christ, His Word and His honor supreme over anyone and everything. This gave them courage as well as conviction to proclaim with boldness those truths that were essential, even when they were not popular.
It wasn’t that they were superhuman and enjoyed rejection. Instead, it was a decision of the will to live for Christ. In regard to speaking up and proclaiming the truth even when it meant rejection Paul said, "If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10). Peter faced similar challenges, though he gave way to fear on a couple of significant occasions. When asked if he was a follower of Christ after Jesus’ arrest, he denied it for the sake of self-protection. Later, in Galatians, Peter was still struggling with people pleasing and trying to blend in at dinner without causing any problems with the more conservative Jews. His failure to stand up for the Truth didn’t go unnoticed though, and Paul publicly rebuked him for double-mindedness (Galatians 2:11-14).
While my commitment to showing kindness to others through nice manners is as strong as ever, I have experienced a major paradigm shift when it comes to choosing pleasing people over pleasing God. After all, He is God! He makes it clear that people-pleasing is the opposite of fearing God, and we cannot be committed to both (Exodus 20:3-5). Choosing to fear and even worship people instead of God “is a snare," while those who trust in the Lord are promised they will be kept safe (Proverbs 29:25).
Jesus never excuses rudeness or cruelty but wants us to love and treat others like we want to be treated (Mark 12:31). He calls for us to speak the truth, and to do it with hearts of love (Ephesians 4:15). But instead of allowing others’ opinions to dictate what we say and do, we are to live for God’s approval, doing what we know is pleasing to Him. This decision means we will often burst out of the mold of cultural norms. We will repeatedly be faced with the choice of blending in with the crowd or living out God’s truth. At times we will need to speak out on crucial issues that guarantee we will not win everyone’s acceptance. The commitment to place God’s Word and His approval above everything else is not a diversion from loving our neighbor as ourselves. Instead, it's the only way to express authentic love and Christ-like kindness.
"On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts"(1 Thessalonians 2:4).
