A Fork in the Road

I never realized I had a problem with fearing people or people pleasing until I started teaching college students in Korea. Before, I’d mostly interacted with family and friends since I stayed at home for many years. Now I'm going into 12 classrooms a week and facing up to 100 students with different needs and personalities – all from a culture completely different from mine.  I started out doing everything I could to build a bridge so we could connect, which in many ways was good, but in others became fuel for people pleasing.

Over the past four years as I’ve taught about a thousand students I’ve learned that to be effective for Christ and make an impact in their lives, I’ve got to reject people pleasing and decide each day instead to respect and stand in awe of Him. I also know that it’s impossible to fear both God and man, just like it’s impossible to love God and money. Yet, it’s easy to fall into the sin of loving human praise more than praise from God (Jn 12:43).  The outcome, unfortunately, is a trap (Prov 29:25) and results in forfeiting the joyful presence of the Lord, along with eternal rewards.

Throughout the winter I’ve been calling out to God for wisdom to overcome this sin, because quite honestly it has stolen my peace and left me feeling afraid.  Though I’d gained a lot of insight from reading Fighting Fear with Fear by Wayne Mack and meditating on God’s promises, I still sensed when the semester started that I needed a breakthrough. Thankfully, I recently had a long weekend to pray and read and even go on a hike alone.

Walking up the mountain behind our apartment, I decided instead of going on the curvy trails which always get me lost I’d just walk straight up until I couldn’t walk anymore. I knew it would get my heart rate up, which I desperately needed, and free my mind not to worry about losing my way.

About three fourths of the way up the trail I came to a fork, with one path curving a little then continuing straight up the mountain and the other flattening out and, I’m guessing, eventually heading back down.  That’s when the thought hit me: I was at a fork just like this in my classrooms, and God was giving me a choice over which path to take.  I stood looking at the totally different paths and the implications of taking them. If I chose the hard way I would reach a higher more beautiful point, be physically challenged and have the opportunity for a greater sense of accomplishment. If I went on the other path, I could relax and have a peaceful, predictable walk right back to where I started.

In life I had a similar choice to make. I could either keep proclaiming Christ despite some opposition and hardship for the sake of God’s glory and experience a deeper relationship with Him, new opportunities and a chance to share in the fellowship of His sufferings.  Or I could take the easy way – to stay a people pleaser and strive to maintain peace at the expense of God’s name.

While I was thinking about it, I turned around and looked back down the steep mountain path that I’d spent the last twenty minutes climbing and realized that I’d spent the past four years getting to the place I was now. If I decided to retreat out of fear of man I’d lose all that I’d fought for – all the times I’d kept moving forward even when it was hard and I thought I couldn’t make it. God had given me grace to get this far, and He was going to keep giving me grace if I’d walk with Him in trust. The only thing I had to lose was the fear of man, which was tormenting me anyway!

I knew this hike wasn’t just another walk and that God had brought me here so I could make a decision: Was I going to be for Him, to gather with Him, to stand in His corner or not?  I took the rock I was carrying and carved a cross in the dirt at the fork. “I choose you, Lord, even if people reject me and I suffer."

I knew this was God’s answer to my many prayers for wisdom and insight about how to overcome this fear. He was clearly showing me that there was no magic button to push that would forever fix the problem. Instead, the only way to break free was to live by faith — moving forward with Him, one day at a time, one step at a time, refusing to hide Christ, refusing to let anyone intimidate me into being silent about who He is and what He’s done for me.

Tomorrow and the weeks ahead will be the real test as I go back into the classroom where I’ll face a lot of people. I know that because of the Gospel some will love me and others will not -- even though I'm committed to sharing Christ with tenderness, humility and compassion. Regardless of how they respond, I believe the Holy Spirit has given me a renewed determination to go in with a passion for His glory that exceeds my desire to be praised.

I want to be able to say at the end of each day, “I did not hide your righteousness in my heart; I spoke about your faithfulness and salvation; I did not conceal your constant love and truth from the great assembly.” (Ps 40:10).

“Stand at the crossroads and look;
    ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
    and you will find rest for your souls." Jer 6:16

Healer of the Brokenhearted

As a child, I remember hearing about someone dying from a broken heart. I never actually believed it was true but thought it was the Southern way of covering up some tragedy or disease that was inappropriate to talk about. In my mind, the phrase kept their story sacred so that no one could go prying around trying to figure out what really happened.

When I got older I fell in love with British literature, where it seemed no story was complete without the tragedy of a broken heart. By instinct, I rushed past these pages, still convincing myself that nothing that radical could actually happen.

Or could it?

After saying goodbye twenty times to the girls over the past four years as they made their way back to school in the Philippines and then to America, I’ve learned that broken heartedness isn’t a cover up or imaginary, but a real life condition. In fact, the Hebrew word Shabar means brokenhearted, crushed or shattered.

It started with a crack

Each time I watched the glass doors slide shut as the girls passed through security a tiny crack formed in my heart until somehow, over the years, the fragile lines began intersecting and expanding.

It was somewhere around the eighteenth flight at the beginning of last summer that I felt something shifting in my heart as it began to fissure and shatter. At that point I remembered all the stories I’d read and the times I’d heard about what I thought was a made up condition, and knew from instinct that I was experiencing what Jesus and many others called a broken heart.

My heart has undergone a painful transformation since then. It hurts, but not in a heart attack kind of way, just  a constant aching and longing to be near the girls --  the ones I played with for hours on the floor, prayed over constantly and organized my days around. I was motivated to do much of the mundane for their two beautiful smiles and twinkling eyes, propelled into many unknowns for the sake of making their future a little more bright and beautiful. Their lives were so joined with mine that even thinking about a time when we wouldn’t be together was hard for me.

Though I hung on to hope for a while out of courage that our separation would soon end and we’d all be back together again, reality began to set in as Caroline left for Chapel Hill two summers ago and Sarah started her senior year, which was her fourth at boarding school.

I began waking up in the morning to an immediate realization that something inside was all splintered and messed up. At night I slipped into a rhythm of wondering how I could move on from the pain of living so far away from the ones I promised to take care of until they were grown.

Looking up from the wreckage

When Sarah boarded her flight this Christmas to go back to school, I robotically made my way to the car with Mark, where we began a silent trudge back to what we declared as “nine more weeks without her.” As I was crying and grieving over what felt like an unbearable goodbye, the Lord reminded me that He’s not only my brother and savior and friend, but my doctor, my healer, who promises to “bind up the wounds of the brokenhearted” (Is 61:1). He’s been whispering to me through His Word that He’s perfect at restoring broken hearts, and takes delight in healing the most cracked and shattered lives.

As I’m embracing His promises to heal, I’m going back to the places where I’ve seen Him with others whose hearts were cracked wide open. I see him embracing Martha and Mary with hope as they were despairing about their brother’s death, standing beside a well in the sweltering heat to comfort a woman who’d all but given up on life, turning around in a crowd just to find the woman who’d touched his robe so he could heal her bleeding along with her broken heart and spirit. I see Him looking down from the cross on his own mom’s breaking heart and waiting for Peter on the shore after his resurrection, even cooking a meal, so he could comfort him from shame and brokenness.

As I look at these stories together, I’m amazed at how I spend most my life trying to avoid the people he intentionally intermingled with – the ones he hunted down at noon or searched out in obscure places. Jesus had eyes to see the broken hearted, ears to hear their language and a heart that pounded with mercy not only to hear them but to heal them.

So, why would it be any different for me or you? How is it that I can convince myself in my darkest moments of loss and depression that He doesn’t care, that He’s not with me and that I’ve got to find a way to put the pieces of my heart back together again?

The one who was broken in every way, crushed in Spirit and caused to suffer for wrongs He didn’t commit understands broken hearts better than anyone. Not only that, He promised that He came to heal them.

Logic has taken root somehow through God’s wisdom and revelation as I’ve carefully assessed my situation. Yes, I’m brokenhearted and need healing. And, yes, it’s going to take time. No, I cannot possibly do it by myself, and I know from experience that no counselor on this earth can begin to reach inside my heart and bring the kind of healing I need.

On the other hand, Christ is with me. He wants to bind up my wounds – the most penetrating and excruciating of them. He knows exactly what to do, how to do it and how long it will take. It’s not something He hopes to accomplish but a healing He’s guaranteed.

Trusting Christ for healing

As I kneeled praying and crying the other day, I kept asking God, “What is it that you want me to do? How can I make this pain go away?” I thought through all the things I’ve been doing like getting exercise and sleep, praying, listening to music and sermons and inspiring stories, and how each of these is only putting a band aid on an oozing sore. Then two words came to my mind in the silence as I was waiting for an answer, “Trust me.”

It seems too easy or maybe too hard. Easy in the sense that I can put away all my formulas and tactics to try to fix myself and hard in the sense that I have to trust, to rely on, His willingness and ability to bring wholeness to what seems like a hopelessly broken situation.

“Help me,” I whispered back. For His two words I had only two to say back, but honestly I think  more happened in that simple conversation than had transpired in my long winded monologues with him over the past six months about what’s wrong and how I can’t fix it and how it’s eating me alive.

I know that the road to healing may be time intensive. I’ve missed four years of my daughters’ high school lives, four years of sharing meals together, of arguing over chores and laughing over silly things. We have snapshots of summers and Christmases and fall and spring breaks, but they can never make up for the long seasons we’ve been apart and the distance it’s created in our hearts.

As much as I want I can’t reverse time and do it all again. God had a good plan in calling us to Korea and an even better plan to teach me how to love by letting go and trusting Him with the most precious treasures I’ve ever dreamed of holding in my hands.  As I’m learning to surrender  them and my brokenness to Him, I’m starting to see hope – that He’s going to make my heart whole again, to seal and heal the cracks that seem unfixable and to restore joy to my life.

“If Christ does not heal the broken-hearted, he will not fulfill the mission for which he came from heaven. If the broken-hearted are not cheered by his glorious life and the blessings that flow out of his death, then he will have come to earth for nothing. This is the very errand on which the Lord of glory left the bosom of the Father to be veiled in human clay, that he might heal the broken in heart; and he will do it.

Jesus Christ has gone on healing broken hearts for thousands of years, and he is well up in the business. He understands it by experience, as well as by education. He is "mighty to save." Consider him; consider him; and the Lord grant you grace to come and trust him even now!” Spurgeon

We Were Born for This!

About five months ago, I came across Bruce Wilkinson’s book You Were Born for This. I picked it up, was really fascinated by the idea that I could be used in a greater way by God to impact others, but then decided that I didn’t need to buy another book. My daughter, who was watching, took it back off the shelf with a look of determination and said, “Mama, I think God wants you to have this book. You’re buying it.” So I did.

I can honestly say that this has been one of the books God has used to completely transform my thinking and my life. Wilkinson’s premise for the book is that God is always at work doing the miraculous, and that we were born to partner with Him in delivering miracles of every kind, from the simple to the enormous. But it’s up to us to surrender our lives each day to God’s agenda, to ask Him for a heart to see the needs of people, to realize that we cannot do anything without the Holy Spirit’s power, and to know that partnering with God involves risks of money and time as we're led by Him to love others.

Everything he said made perfect sense, so I decided to start my mornings with a fresh commitment to being God’s servant to do whatever He asked. Like Isaiah, I began praying, “Lord, here I am, send me.” I also started praying that God would open my eyes to see the people He wanted me to deliver a miracle to that day. And I set out the door to experience a whole new adventure.

It would take a book to record all  God has done over the past five months since I started praying with a new focus and vision. I’ve been completely astounded by the overwhelming display of His grace and mercy as He’s provided daily divine appointments and given me a whole new perspective on living the Christian life.

 

I’ve watched Him do the impossible, provide extraordinary needs, bring emotional healing and reverse many seemingly hopeless situations. He’s unveiled these miracles in the midst of the mundane revealing His power and love in life changing ways. There is nothing in my entire life that compares with the beauty and awe of seeing God’s hand at work and getting to be a part of it.

I’m now convinced that God is not only actively working at all times doing extraordinary things, but He longs for His children to partner with Him so that we can be even greater agents of blessing and grace to the glory of His name. But living like this doesn’t just happen. It’s intentional and involves doing the opposite of what I’m used to doing in my flesh, which means breaking long standing habits. As I’ve been encouraged by God’s great work, I’ve been asking Him to show me the major hindrances that are keeping me from seeing His presence and power displayed throughout the day. This is what I’ve discovered.

Reasons I miss out on seeing God do the miraculous

I’m not looking for Him. Unless I’m watching and praying, I’m not going to see God at work. He says that if I want something, I need to ask, seek and knock (Matt 7:7-8). He provides when I ask and answers when I pray according to His Word. When I’m praying and seeking by faith then I begin anticipating that He’s going to do something; I start watching for His hand to intervene in situations and to open doors for me to be an agent of His grace.

About eight years ago, our family was going through a really intense trial that was impacting every area of our lives. Together we were crying out for deliverance. God used that difficulty to teach me to pray and watch and not give up looking for Him, like I’ve been so apt to do.

 

I’m not sure how it started, but the Spirit nudged me one day when I was opening the blinds and looking out over the mountains to begin making a declaration of faith that I was waiting for God. My conversation with Him went something like this, “God, I know you’re coming to deliver us. I’m not sure if today’s the day, but I’m looking for you and I’m right here waiting.” It became part of my routine for almost a year until God did show up in a miraculous way.

Other people all around are also praying desperate prayers for God deliver and provide for their needs. And because God usually sends regular people to show His love, I have a great opportunity to pray that God will show me those who are hurting and in need so that I can share the grace I’ve received.

I’m focused on meeting my own needs. I often become double minded, trying to live for both God and the world. As I surrender to the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh and the pride of life, I’m sidetracked from looking for God. In fact, as I’m chasing after these things, I’m actually looking in the opposite direction so that my back is turned on God and the miraculous.

The other day when Mark and I were at the ocean we were surrounded by beauty. He was focused on taking pictures of the bay and all the ships coming in. I happened to turn around and notice the most extraordinary sunset I’d seen since we'd been in Korea. I started trying to get his attention, but he was already satisfied with the beauty he was looking at and didn’t want to move. When I realized that he was going to miss something so incredible, I started shouting,“You have to turn around. Just for one second, please just look.”

I think that’s a lot like what is going on with God and me. He’s at work all around me doing incredible things in the lives of others, changing hearts, providing needs, strengthening those who are weak and wanting me to join Him in these great transformations, but I’ve got my eyes glued on what I think is the greater prize so I’m just missing it all.

I’m too busy to notice hurting people. I often convince myself that being busy for God is what He wants, but He really wants me to slow down so that I have time to see Him at work. As soon as I get up each day I have an agenda. I might pray for a lot of people and ask God to do something great, but then I go into automatic mode and get to work checking off what I’m going to do that day. I move from one event to the next with such drive that I fail to see God in the middle of everything, even the tiny and seemingly insignificant events.

People are everywhere in my day, passing me in the halls, coming into my office, sitting in the classroom. And they all have needs, desires and prayers that they’re waiting on God to answer. I’m often too rushed to partner with God in making heart connections with them by listening, responding and delivering His miracles because I’m so focused on working for Him.

Just yesterday I was walking down the hall when I saw a student who has a life threatening health issue. We often talk and he tells me how he’s doing. But I was too busy to stop yesterday. After seeing him the first time, I walked in a room and came out again a few minutes later only to almost run into him. I took this as an obvious clue that God was there and wanted me to slow down and forget my schedule. After talking, I found out he was really sick and discouraged and needed prayer. I lost a chance to make some copies, but God had so much more in mind. He met us to remind us both that He’s alive and present and wants to meet our needs as we take time to make heart connections with each other.

I’ve lost faith in God’s ability and willingness to do the miraculous. So many times, I lose the sense of wonder that I had when God first reached down and breathed new life in me. I hear a lot of stories of how He showed up and did the incredible for other people, but it can sometimes seem like forever ago that it actually happened in my life.

There have been dozens of times when our family has faced the impossible and, unfortunately, I’m usually the first one to say that it's not going to work.

About three years ago, my husband decided that we needed to talk with the girls about a situation that could change our future, so we prayed and he told the girls what was going on. My response was, “Well, it’s just time to move on and do something else.” That’s when our older daughter stood up on the chair and started saying that we were not going to give up. She reminded us that our God was a God of power and could do so much more than we even imagined.

The most ironic part of her inspiring talk was that she was wearing a sweatshirt with the word Faith on it in bold letters. God had gone out of His way to show me the extreme contrast of her childlike confidence in His ability to do anything and my own unbelief in order to challenge me to trust in Him for a miracle.

Thankfully, it’s never too late to change

Since our villa overlooks the bay, I get to see a lot of ships coming and going. One day as I was watching a ship plow out through the opening in the breakwater to the ocean, I noticed that it started to slow down and before long was doing a u-turn so that it completely turned around and headed back to the bay. At that moment, I sensed God reminding me that it’s never too late to change, to let go of a bad habit, to turn back to living by faith and walking in trust. I’m learning to take action as soon as I see I’m losing my vision of God’s greatness and power and I’m not expecting him to show up in the average events of my day.

This awareness is a warning light that goes off, showing me I’m about to enter a place of self absorbtion unless I allow God to turn me around. I know how prone I am to choose a life of comfort over one of faith, so I’m also learning to ask for God’s help, knowing that He wants me to have a heart like His and is always willing to give me wisdom when I ask for it.

As I become aware that my focus has shifted away from God and His amazing plans to reach people with hope, I become convicted that I need supernatural help from the Spirit, who motivates me to begin resisting the flesh and drawing near to God. With His help, I can start once again to pray and anticipate God’s presence and power and refuse to give up watching for Him and expecting to be a part of His divine appointments.

It’s a conscious decision that takes effort, but it’s the most exciting, worthwhile effort I’ve ever experienced. God is busy doing incredible, life changing things and looking for people like you and me who are willing to say,“Here I am today. I’ll do whatever you ask and give whatever you want me to give for the chance to partner with you in being a blessing to others.” As God’s children there is no greater joy.

“And I said, “Here am I. Send me!: Is 6:8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VX8IuCQV5xk