Freedom Comes in Letting Go

This is one of my favorite lines from J.J. Heller’s new song Loved. She’s singing about releasing hurt and pain and embracing the reality that we’re extravagantly loved by God in Christ. Knowing God’s love is the only catalyst that can motivate us to truly let go of hurt and ironically it’s only as we surrender our hurts to him that we can fully experience the depth of his love for us. Yet some trauma penetrates so deeply into the recesses of our souls that it almost refuses to budge. Like a cancerous growth, it zaps more and more of our strength and energy and leaves us feeling less than whole.

I’ve experienced this kind of trauma as a child and left it buried for almost twelve years. In fact, I’d spent so much energy denying that it happened that the act of finally facing it down, giving the trauma a name and talking about it, was like having open heart surgery. I still remember the first time that I shared my story of being sexually abused with a counselor.  Fear and shame had worked for so long to keep me silent, but God’s love prevailed, giving me the desire to expose the darkness and let the secret out

The healing process was slow, but the more I looked at the truth in light of God’s love and acceptance, the more I was able to move forward in hope that I could be healed. Talking it out, praying and memorizing God’s promises all helped me to see and believe that it was not only over, but that God planned to use it for good if I’d trust him. Letting go of the pain after facing it was a process that involved turning over my abusers to the Lord’s judgment with confidence that they would be held accountable by him, even if no one on the earth besides me knew about what they did. Once I released them, I was finally free to heal.

I thought that living through something that horrible meant I wouldn’t have to experience any further trauma in life.  But I was wrong. I don’t know where I got this idea– it certainly wasn’t from the Bible where God shows mankind often suffering multiple traumatic events in the course of a  lifetime. On center stage, of course, is Jesus who was repeatedly rejected, chased down, finally captured, beaten and crucified. His resurrection is God’s guarantee that while trauma can momentarily defeat us, it ultimately won’t destroy us if we’ve found our hope in him.

Over the course of the past few years I’ve allowed new trauma to stir up fear and shame in my heart once again. And I’ve stuffed so much of it, that until recently I didn’t even know what was wrong except that I felt intense sorrow. Instead of expecting God to do something amazing, I've found myself expecting something terrible to happen, waiting for the bomb to drop any second. Yet, God is encouraging me that no matter how much trauma I’ve endured, he doesn’t want me to live in a state of fear and shame. He’s reminding me that he’s able to bind up my wounds and bring healing regardless of the depth of the scars. He’s the great physician who made it a point to find the most wounded people on earth and touch their lives with his power.

I look at the pain that has recently surfaced in my heart and wonder how it can be healed; he looks at it and knows that he can transform it into abundant blessings. Right now, I’m in the process of letting go of the hurt and asking him to reach down and, by the power of his Spirit, bind up these wounds and bring healing. I’ve seen him do it in remarkable ways before, and I’m confident that he’s going to do it again.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Ps 147:3

"Apart From Me You Can Do Nothing"

     For the past four weeks I’ve been busy planning for my classes, printing out charts, lists and lesson plans, reviewing grammar and reminding myself of past challenges so that I’m prepared to overcome them this semester. And I’ve been praying – that the Lord will go before me into each classroom and bless my efforts. It’s been me doing the job with the icing of God’s blessing on top – something I rely on, no doubt, in order to succeed.

     Then something happened. I lost my rhythm last week and began feeling like a failure. Maybe it was an unresponsive class or disorganized day, but it left me feeling empty. While I couldn’t put my finger on what caused it, I began acting out what I felt like. Instead of going into the class with confidence that something great was going to happen because God had called me there, I went in expecting nothing, looking at my watch and hoping that the hour would soon end. What had fueled me the week before was zapping my energy now, threatening to drain the life out of me. My job hadn’t changed, the students were the same. God was still with me. But, something had changed in me.

     As I was plugging in the CD player for my sophomore English class this verse came to my mind: “Apart from me you can do nothing.” Just like the CD player, I'm dependent on Christ's power in order to be truly alive and fruitful. I remembered that all my efforts and contributions were never any guarantee of fruit and blessing, but that my confidence has to be grounded in Christ and his ability to work in and through me. Not my gifts, my talents, my charisma, my ability to do a good job with God’s help. But me with nothing, absolutely nothing to give apart from him.  

     With this reminder I felt a fresh surge of joy. God’s goodness and his desire to use my life brings purpose to everything in life, even the dull tasks that I'd otherwise have difficulty enduring. The emptiness that was gnawing at my heart gave way to the expectation that God is at work in and through me. With him, through him, and by his Spirit I can abound in every good work with a sense of power and purpose, bearing much fruit unto his glory.

I hope you'll take a minute to listen to this song by Sara Groves. It's one of my favorites as it deals with this daily struggle to abide in Christ's love rather than living life in my own strength.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5zkOfSJSn4

When God Hears and Answers

“Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.”  Is 65:24

 

     In the novel Jane Eyre, Mr. Rochester begins praying to God for Jane to come to him as he’s in a terrible state and needs her comfort. God intervenes and allows Jane, who is many miles away, to hear his voice as if he were present. His distressed call for help so burdens her that the next day she takes off in search of him. As she expects, she finds him in utter despair.  God sends her at just the right time to bring him the comfort he needs to go on. This story emphasizes the fact that God hears our cries and answers them through mysterious ways as he often  mobilizes others to come alongside us with their physical presence and in prayer.
     A similar incident happened to me last week as I lay in bed for hours, coughing and trying to sleep off what seemed to be the flu. Getting sick was likely the result of months of undue stress regarding our future – waiting to find out whether or not we’d stay in Korea or return to the states. The increasing pressure of the decision, together with my illness, caused me to feel almost overwhelmed by the uncertainties that lay ahead.
     Sensing my need for prayer and my own weakness and inability to pray at the time, I began asking the Lord to raise up others to stand in the gap and intercede on my behalf. I just didn’t have the strength to do it. The next day I received an unexpected e-mail from a seminary friend who I hadn’t talked with in over a year. She wrote to say that she couldn’t get me off of her mind for any specific reason, but that the Lord had so placed me there and that she’d been praying intensely for me. I wrote back telling her about my recent prayer and thanking her for responding to God’s nudging and being part of his mercies in my life.
     When other friends at our university heard I was sick, they called to say they were praying, too. At church the following week, a sweet Korean friend rushed up to me when I arrived, saying that she’d had a dream about me. When she woke up she sensed something was wrong and began praying on my behalf. Soon after, she texted me and found out about my sickness and then contacted her community group asking them to pray. While she and I were talking, one of the group members came up to say that she’d been praying daily. I was too overwhelmed to say much but that I was extremely grateful for their love and prayers and that God used them to lift me up during an especially difficult time.
     Interestingly enough, while this was all going on, I was waking up most every morning with a certain friend on my heart and mind. After praying for her throughout the week and thinking about my own prayers for God to send others to help me, I decided to write and make sure that she was doing okay, since I hadn’t heard from her in quite some time. I had no reason to believe she was struggling except that I was overly concerned about her. The next day I received an e-mail from her thanking me for praying. She explained that she was experiencing a terrible crisis in her marriage and that God had been giving her special grace to get through each day.
     I’ve written these accounts not to focus on my answered prayers, but instead to shine the spotlight on God’s love and power as he hears our cries and answers our prayers (2 Kings 20:5). God doesn’t need our permission to display his power, but it’s often when we’ve been asking, seeking, and knocking that he reveals himself in unimaginable ways (Matt 7:7). He wants all his children everywhere to come boldly before his throne and ask him for everything we need (Heb 4:16). 
    When we pray in the Spirit, in the name of Jesus, we’re not performing some kind of meaningless ritual but rather speaking the very power of God into our circumstances. He promises that if we’ll ask, we will receive, as he's longing to show us compassion (Is 30:18). The reason we seldom see the miraculous in our lives is because we're not asking. And often when we do pray for it, we’re asking with the wrong motives so that we can use his blessings for our glory and self-advancement. Selfish requests like these hit a brick wall, because God cannot and will not answer them (James 4:3). But when we ask according to his word he unleashes his power, equipping the saints to action and moving mightily upon our lives and circumstances.  
    I’m learning to watch for this leading of the Spirit and to respond by faithfully praying for those God has burdened me about. I’m asking him to show me friends and family members who are on the brink of giving up or who are carrying a burden that’s too heavy for them to bear alone. And, as I mentioned above, when I’m going through hard times and I don’t know what to pray, I’m learning to ask God to intervene on my behalf.

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy." Ps 116:1