Forgiveness

     We’ve been talking about forgiveness in my sophomore English class this week. As we’ve muddled through such issues as forgiving repeat offenses and releasing  others from our anger, I’ve unfortunately come to the realization that there are people in my life right now I haven’t forgiven. I’m learning that it’s one thing to teach and talk about forgiving and quite another to put into practice.

     My mom shared a similar sentiment over Skype this week. She’s been studying a book about forgiveness in her Sunday school class for “who knows how long” she said. We talked about how satisfying it is to study forgiveness, to analyze and dissect it, but when it comes to taking the step of faith to release someone from our grip of anger many of us are at a stalemate!

     Thankfully, God’s relentless pursuit of holiness has kept me from escaping into my insistence for retaliation, or worse yet, denial. As I’ve hidden out in quiet corners hoping to veil my anger from his gaze the Spirit’s presence has become almost unbearable.  I’ve been faced with a choice -- the same one that I so boldly laid before my students.  Either I can forgive as I’ve been forgiven, and release my anger and vengeance to the Lord. Or I can hold onto it with gripped fists, demanding retribution and blocking the joy God so graciously wants me to experience.

     Like most people I’ve been hurt beyond my own ability to forgive. With life and love come offenses that have left me feeling anything but whole – cutting words, forgotten promises and blatant lies. From the lesser to the greater they’ve done their work on my heart, leaving me feeling vulnerable and afraid to trust again. Somehow I convince myself that by holding onto the bitterness I’m getting adequate payback for what someone’s done. But reality has it that I’m the main casualty in my decision to grasp onto anger.

     Forgiveness is costly. It’s costing me my pride and my right to get even. As God’s child I’m commanded to step out in faith and release my anger and bitterness, entrusting my offenders to God’s gracious, yet perfect, discipline.  This involves trusting that he knows exactly what he’s doing and that he’ll be faithful to deal with those who’ve hurt me in a way that is loving and just.  Choosing to forgive is risky, no doubt, but the alternative is deadly and certain.  I’m reminded of this verse on many occasions when I think I have the right to cling to bitterness and withhold forgiveness. Ouch!

“If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.”  1 John 4:20 

For Our Good and His Glory

     Coming to grips with the power and majesty of God was integral to my becoming a Christian. Before this happened, I thought that I was in control of my life -- that I was the one making my way. When God opened my eyes, the fog cleared and I saw him high and lifted up, the great God who not only created me but who orders my steps and has a good plan for my future.

     God’s sovereignty brought comfort, but it also sparked fear in my heart. As an unbeliever I chose my own way down whatever path appealed to my flesh. Now, I'm following God down the path that he’s chosen for me which is always a walk of faith. He doesn’t give me an itinerary for what’s going to happen over my lifetime but guarantees that he’s good, faithful, powerful, loving and desires only for what’s best for me. His path isn’t the easiest, but it’s the one that he’s designed to grow me in Christ-likeness and trust.

     These past few weeks our family has been talking about decisions we’ve made and how they’ve impacted us. Our daughter has come back to Korea after two years of living at a boarding school and coming home every two months during breaks. God miraculously opened a door for her to attend an international school here which before was way out of our price range. As she thinks back to her years at her school she’s faced with many questions. It was a tough place for her where she didn’t feel embraced, where there were more rules than there was acceptance and where she always felt judged. It left her with a bad taste in her mouth and some anger toward God about why he allowed it happen.

     We’ve come to the conclusion that we’ll never know why. She grew a lot spiritually and emotionally while living abroad and at the same time experienced some deep wounds. The two are undeniably connected. While we’re grateful for the blessings, we’re praying for healing for those things that have brought so much pain. And we’re trying to encourage her to let go of the right to understand why it all happened the way it did and why God didn’t protect her from the suffering.

     On many occasions I've been perplexed as well. I've cried out for God's wisdom and and ended up in a fiery furnace instead of the green pasture I'd so longed for. I don’t understand why. Sometimes God reveals it to us, but other times we just have to rest and trust in his goodness. I’ve prayed for short periods of time and had amazing breakthroughs, and at other times I’ve prayed for many years with no perceived change in my situation. There’s no logical way to understand it.

     The bottom line is (if I'm honest) that God’s plans often leave me mystified. I trust and follow him because he’s good and trustworthy – not because he’s containable and tameable. His goodness doesn’t negate the reality that this is a fallen, sinful world that's impacted every molecule of creation. God has redeemed me and promised to use (not remove) hardships to grow me, not to destroy me, and to make me into the image of his Son.

     While I can’t figure God out, I'm can apply his word to these situations and come up with an equation that’s infallible -- God’s love and power plus hardships and difficulties always results in blessings. I can stand on this unshakable promise that “God causes ALL things to work together for good for those who love him who are called according to his purpose.” All pain, all disappointment, all loss, all misfortune, all disaster. No exceptions.

     I had somewhat of an epiphany about this today as Mark and I were climbing nearly two hundred stairs by the ocean. Since it's the first day of our holiday it was "supposed" to be a fun outing. But I was having anything but fun. As I huffed and puffed behind him my mind was swimming with thoughts of what I'd rather be doing -- sitting on the couch, for one, reading a book and drinking coffee. And then I thought about how good this exercise, fresh air and sunshine was for my health. What felt terrible was a blessing and vice versa (couch potatoes are known to have a shorter life span). Other scenarios flooded my mind as I realized that so much of life that's good for me doesn't feel so great when I'm doing it. On the other hand, those things which are often unhealthy and even lethal give me temporary satisfaction.

     Basically, I'm inclined to think what's easy and enjoyable is what's best for me. But God has greater wisdom that sees beyond the surface. He loves me too much to let me choose paths that nurture my flesh and not my spirit. Judging something as good or bad just because it feels or doesn't feel comfortable makes no sense at all when applied to everyday life, so why should I apply the same faulty logic to the bigger issues? God is God and I'm not. Because he knows what's right for me I can trust and thank him in all situations, not because I enjoy suffering and pain, but because I know that "he's at work in me" and he loves me with a pure, reliable and perfect love -- one that will never fail!

 One of my favorite reminders of his amazing love!                               http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suMhQ3ETCyI

He Withholds No Good Thing From Us

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Gal 1:10

     I received my end of semester reviews which were down some from the previous semester. In mulling over any changes I might have made, the only one that struck me was that I’d started sharing my faith along with Scripture at the beginning of class. Though I can’t be certain that this impacted anyone negatively, it struck fear in my heart – fear that somehow people wouldn’t like me because of the gospel. I sat in my office counting the cost and thinking over the alternatives. I could choose to leave God out of my teaching and no one would say a word. It would just be my little secret.
     Even though we’re a Christian university, we admit many non-Christian students. One of my increasing burdens this year has been the need to share Christ with them, not just in deed but in word. This was a huge step of faith as the Holy Spirit helped me to overcome fear of rejection, persecution and even worse – failure. But remaining silent, when God clearly showed me that I was here for reasons beyond teaching English, was no longer an option. With wobbly knees and a pounding heart, I made my journey out of the fear and into the freedom Christ had purchased for me – freedom and joy to proclaim the Good News without feeling ashamed of it in any way, freedom to speak the truth in love even if it means saying something others don’t want to hear.
     But like most people on this planet, I want people to like me. I really enjoy the warmth of knowing that others find me acceptable. As I sat alone in my office trying to justify my decision to leave God out of the classroom, Galatians 1:10 came to my mind, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” 
     I knew immediately what I had to do. It was a moment of surrender – one of those I experience when faced with a myriad of choices that run contrary to God’s will. I reluctantly held out my hands and offered up to him my reputation, my right to be liked, my intense longing to be successful. Like the apple in the garden, these desires gave promises that they couldn't deliver – worse yet, promises that would leave me feeling empty and grieved. In their place, I took the promises of God that he’s for me, that he withholds no good thing from me, and that by seeking him first I’m guaranteed the kind of blessings that benefit my soul and others. By seeking first his kingdom and righteousness he says that all the other necessary things will be given to me as well. It appears on the surface like suicide -- to risk everything the world defines as success in order to follow God and submit to his truth. But underneath is the Spirit's testimony regarding God's word that it's true and reliable. Once again, by faith and by his grace, I'm stepping out on the water and believing God.